Dear sister,

Sometimes I blame myself for your death. Because I was not qualify to be an elder sister; because I was incapable to protect you; because I know I will never be a good example. But then sometimes I do realize that He loves you more and maybe during that time I wasn’t ready and He knew, so he took you away from us before we even notice.

Her illness was unexpected and her chance of surviving was thin. Between us three siblings, she was the one who had less to zero problem, everything went smoothly with her until around two weeks after her birth  when she was diagnosed with heart complications.

It was honestly unexpected though. When she was born they were no problems at all. The doctors never saw any complication and her health/body checkup was perfect. Though the day when we were ready to go home she had this fever or something (I have no idea what’s its specific name) but the doctor said it wasn’t severe so we could bring her home and so we did.

She was fine for the first week but during the second week she almost choke on her milk and her breathing slow down a little. My grandmother got worried and brought her to the clinic. The doctor there advised us to bring her to the hospital and we brought her there as fast as we could.

Everything after that was a blur to me, since I was really young I couldn’t remember much. What I do remember was she got warded and I keep asking my parents, “Where’s sister?” and they answered with she’s being treated in the hospital; and that she will be fine.

I knew she wouldn’t, because I accidentally eavesdropped on my dad’s conversation and heard something along the lines that she had a thin chance at surviving. I wasn’t allowed to visit her at the ward because I was young but there was this one time I saw her. There were wires attached all over her body. I looked away and cried a little seeing how much my sister was in pain.

That was our last encounter.

The very next day, I couldn’t remember who but someone went up to my mom and said she was gone. Again, I was young so I didn’t understand. “Why is Mama crying?” “Where is sister?” “What happened to her?” “Where is she?” Questions I asked to everyone but only my grandfather answered me.

“She’s gone.”

“She’s gone? Where did she go?”

“She’s gone, she’s no longer with us. She went back to where she truly belongs, with our creator. She’s gone, she has left us.”

And I remember crying so hard because I couldn’t meet her again. My grandfather had told me not to cry but how couldn’t I?

Though the true story of how she died is still unknown to me since my parents refused to tell me I’ve heard a few times that my parents had asked the doctors to pull out the wires from her body because they couldn’t bear to see her suffered while she’s still a baby. If He truly loves her then it’s better to give Him back what originally is His than to see her in pain with wires all over.

Sometimes my grandmother and my parents blamed themselves for her death but at the end of the day they know that He loves her more and she is now in Heaven waiting for us.

That’s why when my brother is born, the hospital, my grandmother and my mother was more cautious around him.

Every time I remember my sister, I couldn’t help the tears falling from my eyes. Today, based on the Islamic calendar, is her death anniversary. It’s been 10 years, and sometimes I still can’t sink it in. That she’s no longer with us, that she has left us long ago. At times I do wonder what it will be like to have her with us. The five of us. My parents sure have been through a lot with my near-death experience and her death. We never met eye-to-eye. In fact, she only opened her eyes a few times and we barely got the chance to see it. I guess she doesn’t want to leave us with too much memories of her.

Dear sister, I love you, and I miss you so much but He loves you more and took you away from us. It’s been ten years now. Thanks for looking after me and the family. No matter what happens, I will always remember you. Because you are my light, my angel, our angel. You always give me the will, the confidence and the extra push to continue surviving. I really miss you and I wanna meet you again. I’m sure, one day we will see each other again. Until then, please wait for me, wait for us. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough as your sister. I hope you have fun there. Till we meet again. I love you.

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